Watch for the Light

My apologies to those who check my blog regularly for updates. I haven't had much to say lately, at least that's how it feels. But I'll try to squeeze something meaningful out of this vacuous brain of mine.

Part of the problem is that this time of year depresses me, and I'm reluctant to bore you with my melancholy wallowing. My therapist would tell me of course I'm depressed. December 23 is the date of my mother's sudden death (and three years before that, to the day, my grandmother's death). So it's been 6 years now, and I can't believe it's been that long. January 28 (today) would have been my parent's 50th wedding anniversary.

On top of the sad memories of my mom's death, my husband thinks the Chicago weather has something to do with my depression. This time of year the clouds cover the sun for days, and he's going around telling all of our friends that my face is getting longer and longer with each passing sunless day. (thanks for sharing that information, honey.) I told him we should move to Arizona. He said New Mexico would be his preference. Or the coast of North Carolina. Whatever. I just want to see the sun....

The sun did come out for a while on the 24th. David and I went ice skating and it was perfect. The sun sparkling on the ice. Not too cold. It felt good to exercise in the midst of our holidy gorge. Then we went home and I fixed butternut squash risotto for dinner, and we had Christmas eve service on the couch (David wasn't feeling well so we couldn't make it to Midnight Mass). We read from an Advent book titled "Watch for the Light".

Christmas Day my inner Martha Steward emerged and I baked and baked and baked cookies -- chocolate and peanut butter "Buckeyes", Spritz, Reindeer fodder (mixture of Kix, Trix, Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, Rice Krispies, Mixed Nuts, coconut, and covered with melted white chocolate). Okay, sounds gross, but it was a hit at the Christmas dinner we had with our friends, the Millers, and their two daughters and other friends. The problem was, I made way too much of it and the leftovers have been sitting around the house since Christmas until we dumped all of those extra peanut butter balls and reindeer fodder clumps in the trash today. We're vowing to eat salads for the next month as penance.

The highlight of my Christmas has been listening to Sufjan Stevens' Christmas collection -- 5 DVDs in all. I told David Sufjan is quickly eclipsing Bono as my "Rocker Crush". He said Sujan is way too young for me, but I don't care. If you bought the collection, be sure to read his essay about how he came to hate Christmas, and then love it again. It's hilarious. In fact, he made the 5 Cds in the set as "peace offerings" to his family after he failed to make it home for Christmas for several years (because it brought back too many bad memories). There's something about listening to Christmas carols in a new, refreshing way that makes them more meaningful.

I always feel better once the holidays are over. Christ has arrived. We have hope. A fresh new year. The days start getting longer. In a few months we start looking tentatively for signs of spring. The sun has to come out sooner or later.

We wait. And watch for the Light.