Naming Hope

Charlotte? Hannah? Sean?

We throw each out randomly, and they float in the air until the other one ponders it for a few minutes, the originator waiting expectantly for for the final verdict. Sometimes the reaction comes fast. No way! But if there's a pause, there's a chance that the other will at least consider it. How would it sound with McCracken? Would it be shortened to an unbearable nickname?

Fiona McCracken? Too Celtic. No way.

But I like it!

You'll never convince me on that one. Sorry.

How about Hannah. It's the name of a great, great aunt. You know, my dad's mother's father's sister.

Hannah McCracken. Hmmmm. Now I kindof like that one.

Ona? My great, great, grandmother.

Ooh, I like it. But it might be a little too unusual.

Judith?

Judith, I like. Judy, I don't. And inevitably her school friends would shorten it to "Judy". Unless we could call her "Jude" for short, which sounds cool.

The naming has begun again. For a while, we didn't do this. AFter the two miscarriages and my 42nd birthday.

Make it no big deal, so you won't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. Don't name something that probably won't exist.

It's a little like being a 13 year old girl, writing the last name of the boy you have a crush on next to your name. Imagining what it would be like to be "Karen Smith" or "Karen Johnson". Someday, you would think. Someday I will be married.

Hope.

Then after a while you stop hoping. You grow up and stop writing boys' last names next to yours. Childish thing, to hope. And you wait and wait and when it finally does happen, you don't change your name anyway.

But now you find yourself hoping again. And writing names in your journal. Alexandra McCracken. Robert McCracken.

But it's a dangerous thing. Hope.

What if it doesn't happen? What then? If we pretend we don't want it, that we're okay being a family of two, that we'll fill our lives with writing and travel and each other, then there's no risk. That could be a good life. We're okay with that. No disappointment, really. We're okay.

But still.

We would have a good life. But wouldn't it feel like something was missing? A Kylie or Ali or Sean?

So we're tentative. Maybe coming up with one name a day. Not too many. Not too extravagant. Don't want to push it because we migh jinx it. Besides, we don't want to seem obsessed.

We're just testing the waters. Sticking our toe in to see if it's safe.

Kiera. Maya. Joshua.

Hope.