What does it mean to be "blessed?"

My online acquaintance Lori Rooney has a wonderful post that details her experience with infertility and then adoption. While Ted and Lori are much further along in their adoption journey (now parents of the beautiful Abe!), and while no two of our stories are exactly alike, the experience she writes about is very familiar to me.

I did get married at 40, so at some point during my 30s it occured to me that I may never have children. Somewhere along the way I mourned that a little, while still clinging to a tiny hope that I would be one of those women who had no problem getting pregnant over 40. It was not to be....so while I mourned (and mourn), I'm not sure I feel it quite as acutely as women in their early 30s who thought they still had plenty of time, who thought they SHOULD be able to get pregnant with no problem. Who still have tons of friends around them conceiving babies with little effort.

My grief has had a little bit more time to sink in and I've had more time to process it. But it's still there and rears it's ugly head, especially now that I'm 44 and that door will be slammed shut for good in a few short years (if it isn't already).

Lori writes about her experience with comments like "It's too bad you can't have your OWN baby." Hence, the title of her blog "Our own Rooney." Their adopted son is their "own" baby.

But for people who are infertile or have a child through adoption, there's a constant bombardment of comments from people who aren't out to hurt, but do so anyway, mostly out of ignorance.

This is true of so many things. The pain in one's life is unique, and even friends can say something that pushes a button, set something off inside of you. They don't mean to. They just don't know any better. They don't know your experience. They can't understand what a simple statement feels like to the person experiencing a certain kind of pain that is so far from their own experience.

I went through this when my mother died. People say the stupidest things. But I learned to forgive because I realized that they can't really understand unless they've been through it.

Well, there's a phrase that has been pushing my buttons lately. I've heard a handful of people say it, and both times it was from people who have several biological children and it was said in the context of those said children. The phrase is (drum roll....):

"I just feel so blessed!"

Okay, I understand that there's nothing wrong with that phrase in and of itself. I'm glad they feel blessed. They should feel blessed. But when that's said to someone who's struggling with infertility, and struggling to come up with the money for adoption, it feels like a poke in a fresh wound with a parring knife.

What I FEEL when I hear that phrase is: "I'm blessed because I have children. That means that you're not blessed. I have a gift that God hasn't given you. So na-na-na-na-na. I guess you're doing something wrong that God hasn't given you this gift."

Now, I KNOW that isn't the intention of the people making this comment. In fact, I think if I ever told them how I feel when they say that they would be mortified. These aren't the kinds of friends who are out to gloat or hurt me. But through the filter of my pain, that's what I hear: Gloating.

It's also made me really start wondering what it means to be "blessed." I haven't really figured it all out yet. There are times when I feel blessed, and times when I don't. When it comes to the child issue, I don't feel "blessed." But I think there's something wrong with a theology that defines "being blessed" as having lots of children. Or a big house and lots of money, for that matter.

What does it mean to you to be "blessed?" I'm curious. I feel like I need help figuring this out.

It seems to me, too that it's all very relative. You can feel blessed compared to one person (I feel blessed that I have good health, when I think about my two friends who have died of breast cancer), but I don't feel blessed when I think of my friends who got pregnant easily after age 40.

So I know I"m thinking about this all wrong -- my obsession with "comparing" myself is all out of whack.

Is God "blessing" me? What does that mean? Could I be "blessed" with an internal transformation and humility because of what I'm going through? If so, that's not something other people automatically see, so maybe to them I don't seem as "blessed" as I would if I had a couple of kids running around.

I just think we need to be more careful when we throw around that term, because some blessings are obvious. Others are hidden in the midst of what seems like a huge struggle or in the midst of pain.

God's blessings are complicated, mysterious, seemingly random but they're probably not, and unexpected.

So when someone says "I feel so blessed," I will be happy for them, and then realize that blessings come in all shapes and sizes and the blessings I have may not be so obvious.....

Old Friends

My college roommate Nancy came to visit this weekend. I hadn't seen her in 17 years. She was driving through Chicago on her way to take her oldest son to college in Michigan. They crashed at our place Saturday night and we took them on a quick tour of our lovely city. First we drove down to Millennium Park, then to Intelligentsia Coffee, and then we picked up a Giordono's pizza.

Nancy and I were roommates my Junior year when she was a Sophomore. I didn't know her before we were roommates. I was a Residence Assistant in my dorm that year (a really bad one, because I let the girls in my unit listen to ROCK MUSIC, which wasn't allowed in our small Christian college), and she was a transfer student. We hit it off and I remember that year filled with lots of laughter, listening to Keith Green on my 8-track tape player, talking about boys, and eating lots of pizza and ice cream from Mom and Pops restaurant across the street from our dorm. She's one of these very self-possessed, confident people who I admire. I remember her telling me that I should grow my hair longer (I had a hideous short and permed hairdo), and so I did, because she seemed really more with it than I was and I trusted her opinion. I also remember her wearing flowered jeans..which I thought were so cool. She talked a lot about this guy named Kent who she met at the college she had transfered from. It's the guy she eventually married, leaving school early the next year to tie the knot. I was a little nervous for her because she left school before she graduated just to marry a guy who, in my opinion, she barely knew. But I also admired her moxie for taking the risk. I guess it paid off -- they've been married for 20 years.

We kept in touch the first few years after college. I visited her in St. Paul Minnesota, and then in California. She and Kent eventually moved to a small town in Minnesota and had 6 children. I moved to Chicago and we lost touch for a long time. Then, a few years ago, I got a call early one morning. It was Nancy.

"God just told me to call you," she said.

I was glad he did.

So we've been emailing for a while and then got to see each other this weekend. One of the good things about getting older is that you get to have friends who have known you for years and years. Friends you have a history with. Who knew you way back when.

Nancy is still the Nancy I remember. Beautiful, confident, funny and smart. Plus, she now has six wonderful kids -- all of whom she home schools! We're kindred spirits when it comes to books. We've read many of the same books and share favorite authors like Kathleen Norris, Marilynn Robinson, and Anne Lammot.

It's interesting where our lives have taken us. I doubt either of us could have imagined in 1985 where we would be today. She didn't want children -- now she has six. I never could have imagined I'd be a writer living in a big city -- and I've lived here for almost 20 years. We both have much better haircuts now and have our pizza and ice cream binges under control (well, except for this weekend with the Giordonos!). We're a little weathered by the struggles of life, but better for it, I think. We live very different lives, but we're still connected by the bonds that were forged 23 years ago in a dingy cinder-block dorm room eating pizza and laughing together and dreaming about the future.

Nancy and me in California, 1991. The tot in the stroller is now going to college.


Nancy and me, Chicago 2008.


Nancy and her two oldest boys.

A Sunday walk by the lake

If you haven't figured it out by now, I love taking walks. It gives me time and space to think, and it's a nice workout. David would prefer that I run with him. I think that's his biggest disappointment in our marriage -- that I turned out not to be a running buddy. Oh well.

Here are photos from today's walk by the Lake on a perfect Chicago day.

What to watch when your husband is away

David was in Dallas visiting his parents last weekend. So I took the opportunity to watch whatever I wanted. (WhooHooo -- I had the whole weekend without him mocking myTV viewing choices!) So I rented the 1985 Canadian Broadcasting version of Anne of Green Gables. Now, if David had been home, he would have rolled his eyes and left the room. But it was just me and Lucy, and we wanted to be transported back to the turn of the century. It was just what we girls need to help us to escape from our troubles (well, Lucy's only trouble is that she doesn't like the dinner menu most nights).
So we curled up on the couch together and were transported to Prince Edward Island, Green Gables, and the mis-adventures of the orphan Anne Shirley.

This version has the wonderful Colleen Dewhurst as Marilla Cuthbert (who reluctantly agrees to keep the orphan after the orphanage accidentally sent them a girl instead of a boy orphan who could help with the farm). Richard Farnsworth is cast at the wonderfully and loving Matthew Cuthbert (Marilla's brother), who falls in love with Anne from the beginning, despite her rough edges.

I have to admit the story paints a fairly rosy picture of Anne's life after she's adopted by Marilla and Matthew. Sure, she has her social mis-haps and kids at school tease her about her red hair, but she adjusts to school beautifully, the whole community embraces her. A few neighbors must get over the fact that she's an ORPHAN, but they always end up being charmed and won over by Anne (played by Megan Follows).

Then there's the DREAMY Gilbert Blythe, played by Jonathan Crombie. He's the original McDreamy, I think. But Anne will have nothing to do with him because he teased her once about her red hair. The whole movie you just want to shake that girl and tell her to GET OVER IT ALREADY! CAN YOU SEE HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU? AND HE'S SO MCDREAMY!

But Anne is stubborn and leaves the audience in suspense about her romantic life until the very end where we're left with a little tiny light of hope about Anne and Gil.


David got home Sunday afternoon and I watched the last 2 hours of the movie Sunday night. During his breaks from his editing work, he caught a few scenes of the film and believe it or not, he was laughing at Anne's antics and wowed by the wonderful acting of Colleen Dewhurst. I guess he's been charmed by Anne of Green Gables as well....

Amazing

Let me introduce you to my new favorite CD. David got me a "surprise" gift the other day. I love his surprise gifts. They're usually something he's run across that he knows I'll like. And he's usually right, as is the case with his latest gift of this CD by Rickie Lee Jones. And that makes me feel like he gets me, which is the best feeling in the world, because I go through most of my life feeling like very very few people get me.

Anyway, when I read the website explaining how this CD came about, I fell even more in love with it. You can read the story here.

Basically, the songs are based on the words of Christ, but improvised by Rickie Lee Jones in what sounds to me was a recording session that was mystical, mysterious, and spirit-filled. Not sure how else I can describe it. When she was finished recording the first song, the rest of the people in the room were speechless. The result is raw, honest, authentic and edgy songs that reflect our often doubt-filled relationship with God.

Additional comment: If you decide to purchase this CD, you may want to listen to it in the store first. It's a little on the "edgy" side and her lyrics aren't for those who love straight-forward, easy-to-understand sing-along Christian tunes. So it's not for everyone. Jones doesn't even consider herself a Christian -- but her songs are a response to reading a book called The Word by her friend Robert Lee Cantelon, who is a Christian. You can read more about it in this NY Times article.