Things of Beauty

Fyodor Dostoevsky once said "Beauty can Save the World."

I know in some ways it saved me during this past year. I'm relieved 2009 is over. I'm sure many people feel like that. Layoffs, financial disaster, unemployment, foreclosures. We were in the midst of that. In the middle of my months-long unemployment (even though I now have a long-term contract position, I don't yet have a fulltime job. But I thank God daily for work.), I had to literally live day-to-day: "Today we have enough to eat. Today we still have a home. Today was have warm clothes." Every time I looked a few months down the road, I would panic, wondering if our money would run out, or how long the unemployment would last.

Our struggles pale in comparison to the suffering I see in Haiti today. We're not wandering the streets looking for loved ones who are trapped in collapsed buildings. We're not wondering whether the Red Cross will deliver enough water. We're not stepping over dead bodies in the streets. I can't imagine....

Yet, in the context of my comparably comfortable world, I don't want to discount our pain. I can acknowledge it while knowing some people have far worse suffering. It is still difficult to wonder what the future will bring. Whether or not we will ever adopt a child, whether or not we will have regular work. To possibly let some dreams die.

At night, during this past year, I would crawl into bed and read. It's my favorite time of the day. The day is done. Work is done. Now I get to read beautiful words.

Kathleen Norris, one of my favorite authors, at one point in her life replaced religion for poetry. The beauty of the words and ideas were enough transcendence for her. Faith in poetry was the only faith she needed. While she ended up going back to church and finding God again, I can relate to her feelings.

Not all books are transcendent. But a few I read this year have been. And not just books. Art, architecture, relationships. When things seem especially difficult, the beauty in this world, in contrast, stands out in relief, as if to say, "Hey, look over here! Don't miss this!"

So here's my list of Things of Beauty 2009:

Elizabeth Strout, author "Olive Kitteridge" (winner of Pulitzer Prize)

Olive Kitteridge is one of the best books I've read in years. Olive Kitteridge is a collection of short stories held together by the character of Olive Kitteridge who appears in most of them. The second chapter, "Incoming Tide" as a stand-alone short story rates up there with the best of Flannery O'Connor, in my humble opinion.



Richard Rohr, another author I discovered this year. In the midst of my layoff, his book "Everything Belongs" helped me to make sense of it. He writes:

"In God's reign, everything belongs, even the broken and poor parts."

And:

"We are at a symbolic disadvantage as a wealthy culture. Jesus said that the rich man or woman will find it hard to understand what he is talking about. The rich can satisfy their loneliness and longing in false ways, in quick fixes that avoid the necessary learning. In terms of soul work, we dare not get rid of the pain before we have learned what it has to teach us. That's why the poor have a head start. They can't resort to an instant fix to any problem: aspirin, a trip, or some entertainment. They remain empty whether they want to or not."



The Modern Wing at the Art Institute. Thank you, Renzo Piano.




Sailing on Lake Michigan on a gorgeous fall afternoon.



Kitka: Sanctuary, a Cathedral Concert. I sing in an all-women's Nordic Choir. My friend, Nell, from the choir, introduced me to the music of Kitka. Thanks Nell!



My niece's wedding. She lived in an orphanage in China until she was 8. Now she has a college degree and a wonderful husband. Her life is a beautiful story.




Our "Open Mic" Christmas Eve. My talented nephews read poetry, played the violin, guitar, piano, to give us a glimpse of beauty on the night we celebrated Christ's birth.



Songs in Haiti. I heard a news report about how the night after the earthquake, as people were on the streets, their homes destroyed, the Haitians started singing, and their songs continued through the night. Out of ashes comes beauty. Or, as the poet Rumi writes, "Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure."

My prayer is that the people of Haiti will find beauty and treasure in the midst of ruin. And that in some small way, it will save them.

Welcome to 2010

My poor, poor Blog. I have left it neglected and abandoned. And in the neglect of my blog, I feel I have let a little bit of my voice has died.

I must admit, I started having a love/hate relationship with blogging. After doing it for 4 years, I felt a little burned out, like the well had dried up, and I didn't know why I was doing it anymore. I think in this era of "social networking" and blogging, we (or I) often feel like I'm not significant or maybe I don't even exist if I'm not being heard in the cyber-world. So, I think I was rebelling against that feeling, and I sub-consciously thought, "what would happen if I just stopped it all? Would people still like me? Would I spend more time doing things that seem more significant? Would I still exist?"

Well, I'm still here. Now that I've proven that I can exist without blogging, I'm yearning to get back to it. I think it's a natural desire to be heard. To tell stories. We all do this in different ways. And as a writer, I guess one way I can do that is to keep blogging.

I miss that connection I have with my handful of readers. I miss the small opportunity to express myself and tell my story. I miss writing something other than website copy. I guess I just miss this outlet.

So I've decided to start blogging again, and see what happens.

So here's to 2010. David and I are both working again. Compared to a year ago, we are very thankful. But if it's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that "security" is a very slippery thing. Jobs come and go. Bank accounts can be depleted in an instant. Things that we tend to count on -- like a good economy, a stable government, always being able to find work -- we have discovered we can't really rely on. But when all else is crumbling around me, my faith grows. My perspective clears. My priorities get re-aligned.

2009 was hard, but I'm grateful for the way my soul has expanded. Part of me wants 2010 to be easier and more comfortable, with more financial success and less trauma. But what will I miss out on if that happens?

Theology of Surprises

Many of you have read my posts about my growing obsession with my Beloved Community from Old St. Pats. Love these people.

Anyway, I attended a dinner last night and Terry-Nelson Johnson, the spiritual formation guy at Old St Pats spoke about the Theology of Surprise.

Basically, in a nutshell, it's what happens when you say to yourself, "This is NOT what I expected!"

That's what I say about my life pretty much every day. This is not what I expected.

But just when life is not what you expect is when God can surprise you. Good things can happen. Just not what you expect.

And surprised are often difficult, but full of grace.

Like a job loss. Not what I expected. But filled with good things like getting to spend more time with my husband. Feeling like I can finally follow some of my dreams because, really, I have nothing more to lose. Finally getting out from under the 9-5 cubicle grind.

So are we open to these surprises?

Often, I must admit, I am not. I want security. I want to know the rest of the story. I want predictability.

I must discipline myself to be open to surprise. To let go of my illusion of control (because, really, it IS just an illusion), and the arrogance that I've "been there, done that."

I want to be open to living differently. To taking the side route. Not letting the feeling that "all surprises have passed me by" become reality.

There's new life coming....there's new possibility....something new can happen if we are only available, vulnerable, open, and humble.

God joins us in our chaos. He's with us in the surprises that are difficult but full of grace.

Amen.

What's going on?

Looking at my number of blog posts for the past few months, I'm averaging about one a month. That's pathetic! I'm not sure why I'm not posting more. I guess it's because I think no one will want to hear about my rants about my lack of work, our lack of money, or this stinking economy.

It's a scary time, people....I don't know if anyone else is feeling it like we are, but it's frightening to think that we don't know what the future holds. I've always had the feeling that if I lost my job, or the freelance work wasn't coming in, I'd be able to make it by temping or working at Starbucks. But with so many people out of work, even those jobs are hard to come by.

But we are thankful for the little work that we do have. David is freelancing, and working part time at a counseling practice (although it will be a while before he builds up his client base...), and I just landed a website project that will keep me busy for a few weeks.

Every day I see things that make me grateful for what David and I have: A roof over our heads. Food. The work that is trickling in. We have friends and family and each other.

In Chicago, we always see homeless people begging at intersections. They wait for the light to turn red, and then they walk in between the two rows of stopped cars with a cardboard sign that reads "Homeless and hungry, please help" or something like that. Most of the time you see the same people at the same intersections. It's hard to know what to do. Once, I was eating a sandwich in my car and one of these beggars looked into my car longingly. I handed him the untouched half of my sandwich, and he stuffed it into his mouth. Other times, I give money. And sometimes, I just look away and pretend not to notice them outside my car window. It's hard -- I've heard that you're never supposed to give homeless people cash because they may spend it on drugs or alcohol.

I've noticed lately that different sorts of people are begging at these intersections. They're not the typical homeless men with dirt-caked jeans and mismatched shoes, who feign a limp to elicit sympathy. The other day I saw a 30-ish middle-eastern woman who was holding a picture of her three children. She was clean and had a desperate look on her face. I had no money with me, otherwise I would have give her the entire contents of my wallet.

At least we have food. And while I'm frustrated that our adoption is on hold until we find steady work, in some ways I'm grateful we don't have three children to feed.

When you feel uncertain about the future, it forces you to focus on today. On this moment. I will go crazy if I think months down the road. I'm just living day to day, and as scripture says:

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"

I've always been a worrier. And there are times when I still wake up in the middle of the night and think of all of the Worst Case Scenarios: What if we don't find steady work? What will happen if we run out of money? What if the economy doesn't turn around soon?

But slowly, I'm learning to let go of that worry and just focus on today. And maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn through all of this.....

More graduations!

Last weekend I attended my niece, Claire's high school graduation. She was valevictorian of her class. As you can tell, she didn't get her smarts from her aunt Karen, seeing as I don't even know how to spell "valevictorian." I think there's a "d" in there somewhere.....

She wrote a lovely, very mature speech that had to do with not judging people on how they seem on the outside, and that it's never too late to pursue your dreams. I hope she remembers it when she's my age. I hope I can remember it as I sit in front of my computer screen and wonder if I'll ever eeeek out a well-written novel.

I saw her writing notes on the backs of her graduation photos to give to her friends, and remember doing the same thing. These gorgeous and talented young men and women who are her friends have their whole lives ahead of them. College! Oh, what a fun and special time when your whole world is opened up. I remember leaving a philosophy class one day feelings like I was on drugs -- the euphoria was that great. And leaving chapel after hearing an inspired speaker and feeling like I could change the world.

Now, 20-some odd years later, after reality has smacked me in the face more than once, I still have those feelings once in a while. I wish I had them more often. But that doesn't mean that life isn't fulfilling and beautiful and adventurous. It's just that it looks a little different than it did on the college campus when I was wearing Izod polo shirts, a plaid skirt, knee socks and loafers (okay, it was the preppy era). Growing up means realizing you have more limitations than you think you have, and you discover that you may not be able to change the world, but you can change your small little part of it. And maybe you're not going to be a famous novelist, but the small things you write will maybe speak into the life of one person. And that's enough.

You also discover that maybe God needs to change you before you can change the world. You need to learn how to love better, and give better, and be more kind and less self-centered.

These are not easy lessons. But opening yourself up to them brings great rewards and fulfillment. And not learning them will lead to a small life of self-absorption and bitterness. Who wants that?

I wish I could tell my nieces and nephews all of the lessons I've learned in the past 20 years. I wish I could spare them the difficulties in life. But they will have to learn their own lessons, in their own ways.

My advice to them is to:

Not let fear keep you from love, or the work you love, or the adventures you want to pursue.

Keep your eyes open for grace. You'll find it in the most unexpected places and times.

Learn how to love unselfishly.

Remember that treasures will be found in the midst of ruin.

Don't live someone else's dream.

The most important thing -- even more than being successful or smart -- is waking up every morning and wondering who you're going to love that day.

Oh, there's so much more. But these are all lessons that will be learned through living your life. So just be open to them.

Oh, and don't forget to keep hoping, even when it seems like there is no hope.

That's the most important one.

Spring = Hope

I love Spring. It's filled with sighs of relief that we survived winter, and we can once again venture outside and enjoy the weather. Here in Chicago, Lake Michigan lures us with its wide open beaches and sparkling blue water reaching to the horizon. Flowers bloom, skies clear, the sun makes an appearance on more days than not, we go outside without jackets or socks, and we celebrate. We acknowledged my birthday on May 16 (I'm not sure I 'celebrate' birthdays anymore), and in our family, we're celebrating graduations, engagements and new chapters.

My niece, LiJen graduated from Anderson University a few weeks ago. She also got engaged to a really nice boy named Josh who she met in China last summer. We love Josh. He fits right into our family.












Next week I'm flying to Ohio to attend my niece, Claire's high school graduation. She'll be coming to Chicago in the fall to attend Wheaton (yipee!). Her big brother Drew is graduating from Princeton in a few weeks, and then he's on his way to teach in China.

Then, David graduates from Northwestern June 20. (double yipee!). He already has some counseling work lined up, so his new career is off and running. And I just finished my first book the day before my birthday.....

With birthdays, graduations, flowers, blue skies, warm weather, new books and chapters, Spring is most of all about hope. That there is beauty and celebration after the long hard winter. That there is work after layoffs. That one starts down an exciting new career path after the hard work of school. That a beautiful little girl who started her life in an orphanage turns into a gorgeous young woman with a college degree and a terrific fiance.

Like I said: I love Spring.

Process and Procedures!!

So, I had to visit to the Unemployment Office today. It's a wonderful chance to see the wheels of bureaucracy at work. Inefficiency, incompetence, and waiting. Lots and lots of waiting.

The first time I visited the unemployment office, a few weeks after I was laid off, a short, pock-marked man ordered me to take a number at the door. It was late in the afternoon (rookie mistake), and my number was 264. I sat down in a cold plastic chair. In front of me was a whole row of cubicles designed for unemployment officials to meet with unemployed people like me. Unfortunately, out of 8 available cubicles, only two were occupied with helpful unemployment officials. "They should hire me to help out," i thought. "Heck, I need a job and they need someone to sit in one of those cubicles...."

Soon they called out the next number: "170!" the official yelled. I looked again at my number -- 264 -- and realized it was going to be a long afternoon. I had to wait for 96 people in front of me in line to meet with one of the two officials, one of whom kept taking breaks to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Unfortunately, I hadn't brought anything to read (another rookie mistake), and sat there, for 2 1/2 hours, while I watched the unemployed around me becoming more and more aggravated and desperate. It was actually bizarrely suspenseful -- would they get through all of the numbers before the 5:00 deadline? Would the crowd of frustrated unemployed people stage a revolt if the unemployment official took yet another break to smoke his Camels? Would the woman talking too loudly on her cell phone win her argument with her boyfriend? The drama, the drama....

Finally, at 4:45 a woman emerged from a back office and spoke with one of the unemployment officials. Apparently, she was in charge because suddenly, after a slow-moving afternoon, 15 minutes before closing time, things started to happen. Numbers were called. Extra workers came of of their offices to help out (what were they doing all afternoon?) And Before I knew it, I was being summoned over to talk to someone in one of the back offices. I was out of the unemployment office by 5:00. It was a bureaucratic miracle.

Well, today I had to make another visit because a few days ago I received an ominous letter in the mail saying I might be accused of fraud because I hadn't reported some freelance income a few weeks before. Yikes. I didn't know I was supposed to. My freelancing income was under the amount that would affect my weekly unemployment benefit (you can make up to half of your weekly benefit amount before they start decreasing your unemployment payment -- which means I can make up to $192.50 a week before they start decreasing my payment).

The problem is -- even if I make more freelance income, do I report it the week I actually work, or the week I get a check in the mail? Sometimes, it takes clients a month or more to send me a check.

So this time I went to the unemployment office in the morning (having learned my lesson). My number was 69. When I sat down in the plastic chair, I heard them call out "Number 50!" I was thrilled. I only had to wait for 16 people ahead of me to meet with someone.

Plus, this time, I brought two books, a soy latte, and some notes for a freelance project I'm working on. I was prepared!

Turns out this time I didn't need it, though. Within 15 minutes, I was approached by an official who asked me what I needed. I showed her the ominous letter.

Oh, yes, we've been getting lots of those lately. Here, I'll find someone to help you.

I was seated across the desk from a young lad about 27. He was fresh-faced and eager. But he was still learning the ropes. I told him my dilemma: I didn't know I was supposed to record my income because it was below my alloted amount. He understood. He said it was no problem. I wasn't going to be accused of fraud. Yay!

But then I explained my other dilemma: Often, even though I work during a certain week, I don't get paid until a month later. So I'd prefer to report my earnings the week I actually get my check, so I'm not left without unemployment or a paycheck. He thought that would be fine, he said, but he had to double-check with his boss. He was new, after all.....

So, he went off to talk to his boss. Soon, he returned with his boss, a short woman with permed hair. She was shaking her head. "No, you have to report your income the week you WORK, not the week you get PAID," she said. I started to protest, "But that will leave me weeks where I have no income at all -- no unemployment, no freelance income...."

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Process and procedures. Process and procedures! We have to stick to the process and procedures!"

"But it's not like I'm cheating the government. I'll still report the income -- just a few weeks later than when I actually did the work."

"Nope, then you're running the risk of committing fraud!" she said, "You have to stick to the process and procedures!"

So....David and I may be penniless in coming weeks. All due to PROCESS AND PROCEDURES.

Our wonderful, brilliant government at work....