It's been a while

I feel like a blogger failure. It's been over a month since I've updated this blog. I assume most readers have given up and no one is reading anymore. There's a certain freedom to that -- if no one is still reading this, I can say anything I want and not worry what people think. And I don't have to try so hard to be profound.

So I'll just say what's on my mind. My cat is dying. Really, she's been dying for almost three years. Two tumors removed. But this latest tumor, diagnosed in November, is inoperable and we thought we would have to "put her down" last fall. But she bounced back and has been enjoying life for the past several months -- eating like a horse, playing fetch with a paper clip, begging for treats, exploring the condo deck and munching on the neighbor's plants. I guess we were hopeful that maybe a miracle had happened and she was cured. But the vet told us the large tumor in her abdomen is still there, and recently she hasn't been eating and mostly just lays on the chair. She did eat a few bites of tuna this morning. But I'm afraid the end is near. (Although I've said that before and she seems to keep going.)

She has been a good companion for the past 10 years. I adopted her from a farm when she was a little furball. Only a few months old. It was a time in my life when I was depressed, and coming home each night to have her greet me at the door was the highlight of my day. She's seen me through some tough times. The death of my mother, painful relationships. Lonely nights. Having her purring on my lap or lick away my tears with her sandpaper tongue was just the sort of comfort I needed....even though it didn't cure the pain. She's been a sort of grace in my life. A gift. And she has taught me much about unconditional love and how to have more compassion. Pets will do that, I think.

But at some point, probably very soon, I will have to let her go. What happens to pets when they die? For that matter, what happens to us? I believe in heaven, but what does that look like? What does it all mean? When I think of the suffering of my cat, and the suffering of two of my friends who have cancer (very serious forms, I might add), that's the question that keeps popping into my head. What does our suffering mean? What good can come from this? What really happens when we die? My faith remains intact. I believe in God's goodness. I believe that all things work together toward his purposes. But there are so many unanswered questions.

But there's hope that each day brings us closer to understanding. As Anne Lammot says about writing: It's a lot like driving at night. You can only see a few yards ahead, but you can see far enough ahead to take the next step. Or, as U2 sings, "One step closer to knowing...."

So I wake up each day with more questions. But I embrace the small moments. When my sick cat rubs her head against my ankles and purrs. When she takes a small bite of tuna, telling me she's not quite ready to go yet. When my husband brings me coffee and kisses me good morning. I take the next step. And trust.