Driving by the party.

Well I'm back in bloggerland. I've been writing, writing, writing, but not here. I've been moving words around a page for hours on end, creating catalog copy for an office supply store, and marketing materials for a fleet management company. "Ugh", you say? Yes, "ugh" is right. I'd much rather write in my blog, but unfortunately, Blogger doesn't pay me. Plus, I've been in one of my funks, feeling like God likes everyone better than me. My depression and tantrum that goes with isn't condusive to interesting and creative thoughts to put on this page. Trust me, you'd rather not hear what's going on in my head these days.But I'll give you a glimpse, maybe editing out a few of the nastier ponderings.

1. God likes everyone else better than me. He proves it by giving them everything I want. Like a child. And a house. And a fun job. A published book. And skinny thighs.

Oh, I know I have a lot. I have a wonderful husband, I own a condo, I have family and friends that like me (I think). I don't have cancer or a sick child. So what am I whining about, right?

The thing is my mind has this never-ending tape that makes me feel like I'm watching life from the sidelines. I can't make it stop. Maybe it's because I'm a youngest (or second to youngest child) who watched my older sisters get to do everything first (you know -- go on dates, shave their legs, wear panty-hose). Or maybe it's my fundamentalist background. In high school we weren't allowed to go to dances, movies, or most parties (for fear there would be drinking and dancing!). When I was a sophomore, and my sister was a senior in high school, she was student body president (just so you know, I was never student body president, or on the homecoming court, like my sister). As student body president she had to help plan the Prom. But since we couldn't attend dances, this created a dilemma: the student body president couldn't go to the prom. Instead, the night of the dance, my sister suggested we "drive by" the high school gym to make sure things were running smoothly. I sat in the back seat while my dad drove us to the school gym. It was dark, the gym's double doors were open, and I caught a glimpse of the party inside -- the balloons, the sparkly lights, the mirror ball, the teenagers in their tuxes and long dresses laughing and having fun. We stopped for a momement, ducked down in our seats to make sure no one recognized us, and then drove home. Pretty much, in a nutshell, that's my life right now.

2. God doesn't like me because I made bad choices, or am not good enough. Oh, I know, in my head, that this isn't true. "Jesus loves me this I know" I sang as a child. But knowing doesn't always translate into feeling or experiencing that love. So yes, I'm a bit angry at God, but more than that, I'm blaming myself....

3. Maybe God does love me but I've gotten in the way. Could it be that I've sabatoged God's plans for me because of my stubborness, or because I'm a control freak and cling to my agenda? All the more reason to blame myself.

I really, really, want to stop the casset tape, get out of the car and go to the party. To dance, and to celebrate like the other kids. What's stopping me? Is it because I'm not invited? Or that I'm too shy to get out of the car? Or that I feel like I don't belong there?

Or maybe the party looks different than I expected, and I really am at the party and don't realize it or appreciate it. I know my life story doesn't have to look like everyone else's. It's not about things, really (like a house, although it would be nice), but feeling like I have a purpose and am living that out. Making a difference. Being the person God created me to be. To experience the joy of knowing God is working in my life, even though my life might look a whole lot different than everyone else's. I don't feel that right now. I'm just driving by the party, and looking inside at the lights and streamers from back seat of the dark car.