Call the doctor...

In the past few months I've had:

breast cancer
heart attack
skin cancer
Lou Gehrig's disease
MS
Carpel Tunnel syndrome

I also think I may suffer from a wee bit of hypochondria.

It all started with a pain in my bosom. I tried to ignore it at first. I tried to remember the words of my doctor, who told me breast cancer lumps rarely cause pain. But the more I thought about it, I was convinced it was....something. Something serious. I mean, I've had three friends die of breast cancer in the past few years. So my friends and I can no longer kid ourselves that "we're too young" to get breast cancer. Right?

So when I got home I tearfully broke the news to David: "Honey, I think I have breast cancer."

To be honest, this isn't the first time I've mentioned my breast cancer symptoms to him. This happens about once every other month.

He looked at me, gave me a big hug, laughed and said, "Not again?!!"

I sighed, and started laughing, too. I knew I was being a little bit, well, alarmist. And sure enough, a few weeks later I got a mammogram and it was all clear.

Mysteriously, the bosom pain went away. Well, it didn't go away, it just moved to my legs and morphed into an achy, tingly feeling. Then I was convinced I had Lou Gehrig's disease. Or MS. Didn't my friend who has MS say her legs were tingly?

Suddenly, I felt too weak and exhausted to work out. I imagined the next few -- the last few -- years of my life as I declined and became weak and paralyzed. I would be brave and stoic and profound and maybe even write a book about my experience. I would make enough money so David could live comfortably without me.

I went to the doctor and told him about my exhaustion. Turns out it's not Lou Gehrig's disease. Or MS. It's probably just the side-effects of my headache medication. Whew. I dodge a bullet with that one.

But I was still worried about the red spot on my neck that kept itching. I first noticed it one day at work when I was wearing a beaded necklace. I figured the necklace was scratching my neck, leaving a red patch. But after a few days of going necklace-free, the spot was still there. In fact, it was bigger and redder. I started getting suspicious. I called my sister, who recently had a spot on her skin removed. "Was your spot itchy and red and wouldn't heal?" "Yep. That's exactly what it was like!"

So I had skin cancer. But I didn't panic. This was just the mild form, not that big nasty melanoma kind, so I could wait a few days before seeing the doctor. In fact, I was going out of town for the weekend, so it would have to wait until the next week. My days of sun tanning were finally catching up with me. It was the first of many skin cancer removals, I was convinced. I imagined my aging body with not only wrinkles and sun spots, but with divots from all of the skin-cancer removals. It was the beginning of the end.

So I went away for the weekend to a women's retreat and the whole time noticed the skin of my fellow retreat-ers. They had smooth skin. Beautiful skin. Not skin pocked with the scars of skin cancer. I was sad, but accepted my fate.

Mysteriously, though, a few days after I returned home the red spot started to fade. It didn't itch any more. Then, surprisingly, it was gone! I had dodged another bullet. I didn't have skin cancer after all!

Then came the heart attack. I had pain in my left arm. Achy pain, throbbing pain. Wasn't that a symptom of a heart attack? At work I kept my index finger on the artery in my neck. I felt my heart beat. I wanted to make sure it was still there. If I was having a heart attack, wouldn't my heart beat feel weird -- maybe racing or erratic or something? For the next few days I was fully in tuned with my heart beat and achy arm. Then the weekend came and my arm felt fine. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized my arm just hurt when I was at my computer. Typing. Maybe it wasn't a heart attack after all. Maybe it was just Carpel Tunnel syndrome.

All of the sudden, both of my arms ached and I felt tingly in my hands. I Googled my symptoms. Google: A hypochondriac's best friend.

Sure enough, my symptoms perfectly matched Mayo Clinic's list of warning signs for Carpel Tunnel syndrome. Then I started reading what can happen if it's not treated. It can cause permanent damage in your hands, making them useless. The treatment is surgery where they cut open your wrists. Surgery that would leave long, ugly scars.

I decided not to let it get that bad. Excuse me but I have to go now and call the doctor. When I see him maybe I'll mention this mysterious pain on my scalp...