Beloved

"All I want to say to you is 'You are the Beloved,' and all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being, 'You are the Beloved." -- Henri Nouwen

This weekend David and I went on a retreat from 38 others from Old St. Pats. We stayed at a Catholic seminary and were drenched in God's love all weekend. It was an amazing experience. I don't think I can even articulate what the weekend was like, except to say that it was filled with stories of God working in the lives of his Beloved, and it gave me hope. Hope that even when our lives are broken, we are Beloved. Even in the midst of tragedy or just the mundane tedium of life, we can live abundantly.

I went to the retreat feeling defeated, tired, sad, and depressed. I left feeling hopeful and refreshed.

There were lots of cool statues.


And there were crosses everywhere.


Even on the doorknobs. I wanted to steal one of these doorknobs but didn't think it would be appropriate seeing that we were on a spiritual retreat.


Here's David being contemplative.


At the end of the weekend we were given these crosses to wear.


To remind us that we are loved very much by Him.

Adoption update

We have "Part A" of the adoption application finished. It mostly consisted of reading documents and signing our names to prove the we read them. Now we're waiting for money to drop from heaven because we have to pay the first adoption agency fee when we send in "Part A"...money which we don't have right now. But at least we have the application finished! That's a start and it feels good. It will sit on my desk until we can scrap together the money.

From reading blogs and other adoption related articles online, I don't think we're alone in wondering how the heck we're going to pay for this adoption. Many PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) start the process with a leap of faith. So here we are, leaping. I've been researching adoption grants...I'm going to apply for them all and see what happens. For some reason I'm skeptical we will qualify for any of these grants. I tend to have this "I never win anything!" mentality, and I feel like there are probably so many other PAPs out there who are applying for the same grants and who are much more needy than we are. But we're both writers and so I figure we can at least plead our case fairly well on paper.

I'm also praying daily for more freelance work...

I've been thinking a lot lately about this decision and all of the questions we'll have to face from friends, family, acquaintances as we go through this process. The first one I've had to answer already is "Why Ethiopia? Why not adopt domestically?" The simple answer is, 1) We feel drawn to Ethiopian adoption for humanitarian reasons. 2) We feel more comfortable with the International adoption process (which is much different than the domestic process), 3) we meet the qualifications for Ethiopia.

Do we feel "called" to adopt from Ethiopia? I don't know. I DO know we feel called to adopt, period. And for whatever reason we feel Ethiopia is the right decision for us right now.

I've also been thinking a lot about what it means to have a multi-racial family. Will our family and friends look at us differently? Will unknown prejudices come to the surface? Will they love our child even though she is black? Black....there, I said it. It's a loaded word in our society. Sure, I have nieces from China. But being "black" in America carries its own burden. I've even asked myself if it's fair to bring an Ethiopian child into American society. Are we going to pile burdens on her that she wouldn't have had to deal with in Ethiopia?

More and more, I'm realizing that adoption is complicated. Sure, we will provide a child with a loving home and parents and an education they probably wouldn't have gotten in Ethiopia. But the cost is high. Taking a child from her culture, her people, her heritage. I still think its the right thing to do. Otherwise these AIDS orphans will languish in an orphanage, and maybe end up on the street. But there is a loss whenever a child is adopted.

An article written by a Korean adoptee in today's NY Times says it well. You can read it here.

Here in Chicago, and Evanston (the suburb just north of the city), we frequently see racially mixed families. White parents with black children, white husband with black wife and mixed children. We will fit right in. And we are starting to get to know other families who have adopted from Ethiopia. Here in Chicago these families get together once a month for social activities. I'm looking forward to being a part of that group. We will work hard to help our child stay connected to Ethiopia and other Ethiopian kids.

It's a lot to think about. This whole process is overwhelming, exciting, scary, and thought-provoking. When it comes down to it, I feel like there's a little girl who's waiting in Ethiopia for a new family, and we just have to go through this process to bring her home. Please pray for us...and pray for her.

No Mo' NoBloPoMo

Since I didn't post yesterday, I've officially failed the NoBloPoMo. Oh well.

Nothing bad has happened to me yet, unless one of my readers decides to sue me or something. I have a new respect for bloggers who post at least once a day, or more. It's not easy. I guess I just don't have enough to say, and it takes a while for the well to fill up. For me it takes longer than a day. I'd rather wait until I have something half-way interesting to say than just try to come up with something (anything) to post.

Since I'm still waiting for inspiration for another post, I'll just share a photo with you today. Sheri, my friend and maid-of-honor was in town for the weekend. We went out for dinner in Little Italy and caught up over wine and homemade pasta. We've known each other since we were 12. Here we are 31 years later....

What kind of Christian are you?

Christianity Today posted an article today reporting on a survey that identifies 5 different types of Christians in America. They are:

Active Christians 19%

* Believe salvation comes through Jesus Christ
* Committed churchgoers
* Bible readers
* Accept leadership positions
* Invest in personal faith development through the church
* Feel obligated to share faith; 79% do so.

Professing Christians 20%

* Believe salvation comes through Jesus Christ
* Focus on personal relationship with God and Jesus
* Similar beliefs to Active Christians, different actions
* Less involved in church, both attending and serving
* Less commitment to Bible reading or sharing faith

Liturgical Christians 16%

* Predominantly Catholic and Lutheran
* Regular churchgoers
* High level of spiritual activity, mostly expressed by serving in church and/or
community
* Recognize authority of the church

Private Christians 24%

* Largest and youngest segment
* Believe in God and doing good things
* Own a Bible, but don't read it
* Spiritual interest, but not within church context
* Only about a third attend church at all
* Almost none are church leaders

Cultural Christians 21%

* Little outward religious behavior or attitudes
* God aware, but little personal involvement with God
* Do not view Jesus as essential to salvation
* Affirm many ways to God
* Favor universality theology

So what kind of Christian are you?

Church baggage

I've been thinking lately about the baggage we all carry around to church. For those of us who grew up in church -- whether catholic, protestant, or other -- we have memories, good and bad, and now that we're all grown up we get to carry that around as we seek our spiritual home.

For me, it has not been easy. I went to a church yesterday that some of my friends attend. There are many good things about this church. It's diverse. The church is not interested in getting too big...instead, it starts other churches in communities throughout the city. I like that concept. I liked the preaching. Last week (yes, I've gone two weeks in a row because the first week David was studying for a midterm, and this week he was out-of-town), I even TOOK NOTES! Nothing that raised a red flag during the sermon.

But then, during announcements, it happened. There's always something that makes me cringe...something that takes me back to a bad memory or experience...back to that time before I delicately extricated myself from the fundamentalist mindset and view of scripture. The pastor announced the JOSH McDOWELL seminar for the teens. Josh McDowell? He's still around putting the fear of God into poor, earnest, unsuspecting teens? The "Evidence that Demands a Verdict" Josh McDowell? Geesh...I haven't heard that name in decades.

Instantly, my "fundamentalist" radar went up. Then I read in the bulletin that both of the pastors -- who's sermons I actually liked -- went to Moody Bible Institute. Yes, the same Moody where I was practically fired for my belief that women can be ordained. Okay, so this was 15 years ago. Maybe I need to work on forgiveness. Actually I think I have forgiven my former bosses (both men) who told me I had no future at Moody magazine because of my beliefs. (One of those men, ironically, was fired from Moody years later for sexual harassment).

But even though I've forgiven them, I still disagree with their narrow mindset...not just on women in ministry, but a myriad of other things as well.

So it's a dilemma. I envy people who don't have this baggage. Who don't have an inner radar that makes them cringe during an "alter call" or tune out during a sermon-gone-bad because they've had to sit through too many uninspired sermons during their lifetime they can't bear to sit through another, or who count the number of women on the platform, or theologically deconstruct each worship tune. But I really doubt there are too many people out there without baggage. Who are a clean slate.

I think most of us have some kind of baggage. I know many, many people who have baggage from growing up Catholic. I understand how the rituals and liturgy could turn empty and meaningless. And I know the institutional catholic church can be just as legalistic and maddening as the evangelical/ fundamentalist church. And, they don't allow women to be ordained, either.

But when I go to the Catholic mass, at least I don't have to deal with MY baggage. At least, not yet. Maybe if I go there long enough, I will develop Catholic baggage as well.

Sometimes I can put my baggage aside. I call this "putting on my filter"...where I filter out everything I disagree with or makes me cringe and just focus on the nuggets that are good. Like on Sunday...I tried to focus on a few things from the sermon that I thought were applicable to my life.

But that gets tiring after a while.

So I think I'll stick with the Catholic church for a while, where I can recite liturgy and take communion and don't have to leave church exhausted from "filtering." For me it's a fresh way of worshiping God....and new perspective. Just like I can imagine my friends who grew up sitting through Catholic masses see God in a whole new way when they start going to an Evangelical church. Maybe we're all just looking for new ways to see God. And that's okay.

A Poem

SMALL WIRE

My faith
is a great weight
hung on a small wire,
as doth the spider
hang her baby on a thin web,
as doth the vine,
twiggy and wooden,
hold up grapes
like eyeballs,
as many angels
dance on the head of a pin.

God does not need
too much wire to keep Him there,
just a thin vein,
with blood pushing back and forth in it,
and some love.
As it has been said:
Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love.
So if you have only a thin wire,
God does not mind.
He will enter your hands
as easily as ten cents used to
bring forth a Coke.

-- Anne Sexton

Dial-a-prayer

Our TV died a few weeks ago. I went to turn on the TV from the remote control and nothing happened. I tried pressing the switch on the TV, still nothing. It was gone. Died in its sleep....a nice peaceful death.

We thought about going without. In fact we did for a week or so. We spent a lot of time sitting on the couch staring at each other...and going to Best Buy to lust after the flat screen HDTVs.

Then we got a FREE TV from friends...just out of the blue. We were babysitting their little boy, and mentioned how nice it was to watch a movie on their TV because we didn't have one...and they said "hey, we have an extra TV in storage -- it's yours!"

I was thinking today that I've never bought a TV. My parents gave me one. Then I upgraded to a huge black box that my friend, John, gave me when he moved to Tokyo three years ago. I bought his couch and loveseat, and he threw in the TV for free. Now our newest free TV.

The only problem with our new TV is that we haven't yet figured out how to connect the DVD player. So tonight, instead of settling in with my knitting project to watch "A Mighty Heart", I had to settle on Antiques Roadshow. After that, the choice became very bleak (we don't have cable). Right now, my choices are: Football game (ack!), one of the various CSIs (I don't have the stomach for it--all blood and gore), Home Shopping Network (everything is so UGLY), a ballroom dancing championship, two Spanish-language channels, and a religious channel program, "Morris Cerullo" who claims all of my problems will be solved by calling the prayer help-line at 1-86-756-4200. I'm seriously thinking about calling. We do need a financial miracle...so maybe Morris can help. What do you think?

Maybe Morris could help me with my prayer dilemma: I feel like I'm asking for too much, most of it having to do with money. And no, it's not money to buy a new TV. I'm asking for money to help put my husband through grad school, or to pay off our debt, or to give an orphan a home. It feels like just way too much. Should I be asking for everything all at once? When David decided to go to grad school, I felt like we were taking a huge leap of faith. And then we decided to adopt...something I have felt called to do for ages, and we're not getting any younger. So we're also stepping out in faith with the adoption. So do ya think God can handle it all? Would he be so generous?

David thinks I'm praying all wrong. And he's probably right. I really do believe prayer is more about listening to God, and having a relationship with him. Being thankful, and communing with God. I do believe that. But I've also experienced God answering my specific prayers. And Scripture says, "Ask, and you shall receive", so what does that mean?

Prayer is such a mystery to me, which is probably what it's supposed to be. Maybe Mr. Cerullo can help. I think I'll call him now. Or maybe I'll just call the Home Shopping Network and buy a homely purse.

Day Two

It's only the second day of NaBloPoMo and I've run out of things to say. Or maybe there's just too much pressure. Which begs the question David asked me, "So what happens if you miss a day?"

"Uh, nothing."

"And what happens if you post every day of the month, do you win a prize?"

"Uh, no."

"Then what's the point?"

"I don't know! Just the satisfaction of knowing I did it...."

"Well, I don't really get it."

Oh well. He's in St. Thomas now. He flew down there for two days for a business meeting. I was going to go with him, but then decided it wasn't worth spending the money on an extra ticket for only two days of warm weather and beach relaxation. So maybe we'll go in the spring for longer than two days.

I feel a bit lost when he's not around. Suddenly, I have too much freedom. I can leave my clothes on the bathroom floor...watch whatever I want on TV....see any movie I want (today I saw "Elizabeth" with Cate Blanchett), and eat only fruit for dinner. Like I did when I was single, only now I don't have many single friends to call for a movie or dinner.

I did get very excited today when I heard that Project Runway season four starts on November 14! Tim! Nina! Michael! Heidi! Yipee!

NaBloPoMo!

This is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo)and after much thought and prayer (not really), I've decided to give it a shot. So that means I have to post every day for the month of November! We'll see if I can do it....I don't excel at regularly scheduled schedules. I don't schedule I don't plan. I DO write list of things and see if I can check everything off within, oh, the next year or so. But that's about as regular as I get.

So wish me luck.

And for your laughing pleasure, take a trip down memory lane.